Okay, so you’ve got a pocket full of money from your wonderful holiday season with your beautiful family. It was so cheery and joyous, in fact, that your grandfather slipped you an extra Franklin (that’s who’s on the $100 bill, right? I’ve never seen one) just for being such a swell guy/gal. Your bills are paid, your dog is fed, and you’d like to invite January 2017 in with aplomb. The question is- what do you spend all this annoying superfluous money on? I’ll tell you.

Picture this—It’s the first day of the year. It’s cold outside, but it’s a Sunday, so you’re lounging in your nook by the window; curtains pushed aside, feet up. That new leopard print Snuggie is really doing the trick. Thanks aunt Josie. You get up to turn the kettle off and pour yourself some tea; it’s ready. On the way back to your seat, a panicked knock echoes through your living room, it’s coming from the front door. You move to pull the door open, but the handle twists itself and the person on the other side hastily pushes it open. Holy S***, its President Barack Obama. He doesn’t look his best. He’s disheveled, maybe like he hasn’t slept in a few days.

Mr. President, I—

He interrupts you.

No time, he begins, we’ve got a lot to do and not much time to do it. Aaaaand this is the only place they won’t find me.

You had a friend who did a great Obama impression, you crack a smile remembering it.

What is so damn funny? He asks. You’re trying not to smile; a Fred Armisen SNL skit crosses your mind.
I’m trying to preserve the integrity of all my hard work over the past 8 years!

He means business, secret service members begin to enter your house. This is no longer in your control.
You ask him if you can get him anything.

Sure thing, [Your Name Here], I’d love a drink. Ya got whiskey?

Okay, now flash back to the present. You’ve got some extra money. Your liquor cabinet is devoid of quality whiskey. Theoretically, The PODUS could be here any minute. Are you planning on serving him some bottom-shelf, dive-bar, frat-boy whiskey? Of course you’re not. He’s given you 8 wonderful years of public service. Show some respect. That, (among other reasons) is why you need to invest a bit in a quality bottle of whiskey for your collection.

To Share with Guests (Who Aren’t the President)

Likely as it is that President Barack Obama beats down your door in the next week, it still might not happen. That’s okay though; that great bottle of whiskey won’t go to waste. It’s still the holiday season, after all. Think of your annual new years toast. You’re standing atop a balcony; a congregation of friends and family are amassed below you. They’ve been brought to tears by your eloquent and moving speech, as usual. You raise your glass to indicate the closing statements of your soliloquy. It looks like that scene in the new Gatsby movie, with Leo DeCaprio. You know the one. It’s awesome. So, what’s that in everyone’s glasses? Not champagne, because it gives me a headache. No, it’s whiskey. The good stuff. The kind of stuff that warms your mouth with its enchanting taste, and warms your soul with the spirit of sharing. We’ve all earned it, it’s been a hard year. Don’t cheap out on your guests this new year, they’ll know. And so will I.

To Treat Yourself

Maybe you’re the more pensive, reclusive sort. That’s fine, we can’t all be charming, eccentric billionaires. You’ve decided to stay in this new year to let the events of the past 12 months crash into the wall of anticipation that is 2017, and just let it all wash over you. You’re not trying to get drunk; why start the year with a hangover? Nothing would complement the roaring fire and red satin robe of yours quite like a good whiskey, right? I’ll assume you’re beginning to sense the theme of what I’m going for here. Break out the good stuff for yourself. Pour it in a glass, swirl it around, use those ice tongs to get some cubes in there like they do it in Mad Men. Grab one of your Dad’s jazz records and get it under that needle. You’ve arrived. That better be high quality stuff in your glass, don’t waste your time. Happy New Year, baby. Bring it on.

In Case Of Emergency

President Obama bursting through your door to try and make some phone calls and send some emails away from the prying eyes and ears of a shifting political regime is only one of the possible whiskey emergencies that you could encounter this coming year. What if one of those winter rescue dogs shows up at your door (St. Bernard, I think)? He’s on his way to rescue some lost soul up there; or so you imagine, because dogs can’t talk, silly. But what’s that? His cute cask around his neck is totally empty. Maybe he didn’t have time between recues to hit the refill station. Are you really going to send that dog on his way with well-grade whiskey? This is a matter of life and death, don’t be ridiculous.
Or, maybe it’s the first day back at the office of the year. Here comes the boss. She’s mentioned before that she’s impressed with your work; you’ve felt a promotion coming your way for a while. She comes to your desk.

Hey [Your Name Here], A word?

Uh-oh. Sounds bad. You follow her into her office.

I’ve been looking for someone to hand this job off to, [Your Name Here]. I can’t do this forever.

Oh man, it’s better than you could’ve imagined!

I just want to make sure you’re the one for the job. I’d like to stop by your house, meet your family, just make sure that I can trust you. It’ll be quick, just a few handshakes.

You break into a sweat, your eyes widen, a look of concern overcomes your face. What are you going to serve your boss to ensure the advancement of your career? What if she’s unimpressed with your whiskey selection? There’s no way you’ll get this dream job if you give her anything but the best. Don’t screw this one up.

Easy as that. There is, without a doubt, going to be a reason, whimsical or otherwise, to have a bottle of high-quality whiskey in your cabinet in the coming year. Save the cheap stuff for your college buddies, or…removing teeth or something, I don’t know. But don’t get caught with your pants ‘round your ankles when opportunity comes knocking. Have that glass ready for it at the door; ready to knock its socks off with your incredible taste in whiskey, and magnetic charm. I’m pretty sure that it’s the only way to make sure that 2017 will go well.